As I've Matured...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof,
to destroy it.
learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to
they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after
you think you're finished.
to not sweat the petty things, and not
pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like
fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is
a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match
I've learned that 99% of the time
when something isn't working
in your house, one of your kids did it
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and
all the less important ones just never
And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
Pass this site address to 5 friends...trust me,
they'll appreciate it.
Who knows,maybe something good will happen. If not...tough!
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose
to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you
two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay and the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
7) "My Mom
said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to
say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize,
Oh, my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."
10) "I think I know how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's
way of teaching us geography."
13) "My parents didn't
want to move to Florida ,
but they turned sixty and that's the law."
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have
to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?"
15) "Bigamy is
having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan "
--A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right!
I never would've
thought of that!'"
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
"Everybody's got to believe in something.
I believe I'll have another beer."
W. C. Fields
And lastly: Why in
Hell should I have to press 1 for English ?
Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your
confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is
entitled to the appellation.
George Washington (1732 - 1799)
There isn’t much better in this life than finding a way to spend a few hours in conversation with
people you respect and love. You have to carve this time out of your life because you aren’t really living without it.
Real Live Preacher,
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me
and be my friend.
I just realized that there's going to be a lot of painful times in life, so I better learn to deal with
it the right way.
Trey Parker and Matt Stone,
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity
to commit more.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments
slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
Life is tough, and if you have the ability to laugh at it you have the ability to enjoy it.
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
There is no old age. There is, as there always was, just you.
The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not
whether there is a god or not.
Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983)
Shake off all the fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason
firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a
God; because, if there be one, s/he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.
Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250
Harper's Index, October 1989
Cats and monkeys; monkeys and cats; all human life is there.
Henry James (1843 - 1916)
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)